sicksicksicksick

stayed home sick today. xD;

I can walk straight now, so that's good! I'm still freezing cold though.
I got a few commissions done today, too. This one's my favorite. owo
I also finished another huuuge painting commission, which has taken me FOREVAR to finish. ghrgh. I'm glad to get it over with. So now I'm all rich and has 30k.

Oh, and I also worked on a uh.. project... (sohma's reading this so I can't be very specific) and beat kirby true arena(marx is scary as hell). Unfortunately, I apparently have to beat through great cave offensive 100% in order to get 100% on my kirby file. Which means I have to find all 60 of those stupid-ass treasures. I hate that game. DX


In other news... I think some kid is going to ask me out tomorrow. or is going to try. He's a sweet guy but I don't really like him and I'm afraid I'll hurt him and/or send him into a downward spiral of depression like I did my last ex. Hrr.

Also, I really want to start posting like, videoblogs on youtube or something. That would be fantasmaticious. .... yeah. Problem is, I have the feeling that I'd give it up after like, a week. That, and everyone on youtube is a bitch. lolol;

That's all for me. Hopefully the pink in my hair washes out soon so that I can dye the tips purple. mmm.

Edit: thank GOD. the kid asked some other girl, not me.

unnaturally happy. :D

On saturday night, I got very upset about my home life and economic situation.

I'd actually been getting upset recently about that kind of thing. So I got tired of it. On sunday I decided I needed to pray more, and be more optimistic. Because, obviously, I'd been slacking off. I wrote myself a note telling me to be happy.

So today, I woke up earlier. I tried my hardest in my classes, and was overall happier. I was less irritable. So, what happens at the end of the day? Huge headache, backache, lightheadedness, and the shivers. I feel so feverish. I think that's really funny, though. XD The one day I'm happier, I end up feeling like crap at the end of.

Ah well.

I'm gonna go to bed now. and ignore my homework.

Art show!

*copypasted from deviantart*
So there's this awesome art show that occurred last night... Basically, you walk into my school, and there's an art display.. look around, then walk farther and sit down at a table and watch people perform. Many great singers and dancers, great skits too.
So, I submitted a pencil drawing to the show, as well as my drawing of Tracy.

So, since I, and other friends of mine are in art club, we came in an hour early to help set up for the show. We also got art club t-shirts and got to sit down and draw while people watched us. So exciting!

Anyway, halfway through the whole thing, one of the staff members started to announce the winners of People's Choice awards.

"Third place people's choice gets a $25 gift certificate! Goes to so-and-so!"(gift certificate is at one of my favorite craft stores evar, I doubt any of you know it so I won't mention it)
"Second place people's choice award gets $30 gift certificate.. goes to so-and-so!"
This whole time I didn't think I was going to get an award.
"First place people's choice award gets $100 gift certificate... goes to so-and-so!"
By now I was positive I wouldn't get anything; if anything, second or third.
"Now.. Everyone out there, you all decided that this piece was THE people's choice! Also gets a $100 gift certificate... goes to maff maffington! with her piece, Tracy the Vibrant!" Yeah, still not giving out my name. XD
So, I was shocked, to put it simply. I kind of stood up, half-dazed.. nyx had to push me from behind and then I was darting up there XD it was amazing!

So now I have $100 to my favorite-ever craft/art store, and a pretty ribbon.

Damn. Tracy's face has won first place, best in category, AND grand champion ribbons in one contest.. and now people's choice and $100?! Ego boost for her.

I really need to get these thoughts out before they escape me. Does anyone ever feel like that? Every time I get a new idea, a new inspiration, it's like I have to catch it in a jar before it runs away. I get this stressed, rushed feeling.

I'm sitting here, awake in the dark. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I told my friends I was going to sleep, and left; I got ready for bed and turned out the lights and felt something strange come over me. It was this vacant, lonely feeling. I feel .. strangely alone... and .. I can't make myself fall asleep.

I'd like to go to sleep, seeing as I was almost falling asleep at the keyboard at 9pm, but.. I don't know what to describe this as. I feel like I'll be letting go of something. It's a different kind of lonely; I usually hug a teddybear or something when I feel sad or alone, but .. I feel like this time, that won't help.

Right now I feel like.. typing whatever comes to mind. And do you know what comes to mind? confessions.

I'm sure you all know about those silly memes: post 8 random things about yourself, tag others. Post 25 things about yourself, tag others. My friend Tracy posted 100 things that she had never told anyone else about herself on this thing. It wasn't a meme. You didn't have to tag anyone, and you certainly won't die tonight if you don't post another one.

Now, I've been meaning to do this meme for about a month now. Maybe more. What kept me? Time. Time time time. I swear I wish I didn't have to sleep. Eight hours worth of work. Eight whole hours. I could get so much done. Guilt wouldn't be thrust upon my shoulders like some heavy bag.

Anyway, for this whole month, I've been thinking of secrets that I could tell you. I'm going to dig deep. I'm not going to tell anything that isn't worth telling, and I won't tell anything that few of you know. Hopefully. I'll say things that nobody knows.

Since I've apparently lost my craving for sleep, I think that I'll do them now.

100 confessions.

1. I feel like I'm responsible for everything. Everything. Rather than wait for someone else to change, I usually take charge. Thus my "natural leader" feel.
2. I truly would have loved to live a century ago.. I bet it was much more beautiful back then.
3. While I'm independent, I still care too much about what people think. I think I've passed the phase where omigod if I wear these shoes then so-and-so-who-I-don't-care-about-might-not-like-them. But I am so, so afraid that I'll say or do or wear something or act somehow that'll make the ones I love doubt me. That's stupid. They love me, right?
4. I think I'm a horrible person sometimes, which is what makes me strive to be better.
5. I doubt people. A lot. Part of what makes me a "natural leader" is the fact that I'm afraid that someone else will mess up. Always. I hate it about myself.
6. I feel like I should be there for everyone else, keep them feeling good, and then I'll turn around and feel sad and make them cheer me up. I feel so annoying when I do that.
7. I get mad at strangers walking by for judging me. They probably didn't even notice me.
8. I often see or meet someone that I feel like I have a connection with, or like they seem like they'd be an interesting person. There's this longing feeling that makes me want to know them. It's hard to explain.
9. I often observe people. This sounds creepy, but I watch what they do and how they act, and guess what kind of a person they'd be. Which kind of goes along with #8. It's really quite strange, because after some time, it seems like I know them. And I almost start talking to them as if they were my friend. ._.
10. One week out of a month, I hate almost everything about myself. The other days, I seem to only hate 10-20%.
11. I tend to judge society. And hate people who I don't even know.
12. Though, I try very hard to find something I like about everyone.
13. Some nights I feel kind of lonely, so I grab a teddy bear. Why does this help? I'm OCD and honestly believe that it has a personality. Toy story changed my life.
14. I hate that all of these posts so far have been negative. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that i'm an optimist, so I keep the negative parts secret.
15. I have an amazing life and sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough. I don't deserve it, do I?
16. Despite all of these negative thoughts so far, I really am happy 90% of the time.
17. I can't finish a small drink size from any fast food restaurant. I also can't finish a can of soda.
18. I love to imagine. Sometimes I'll look outside or stare at a little patch of trees or grass and imagine that I'm surrounded by it. In a forest. In a field. Whatever. I like to think that I'm thousands of miles away from society, just ... lost in whatever atmosphere I think of.
19. I try to be brave and unique. It's become part of my personality to find the different, unthinkable way to do things. I like thinking out of the box.
20. I really, really love my art.
21. I often hate something for some strange reason, but turn it around. So I then love it because of that strange reason. For example: "I hate the combination of red and blue, because it reminds me of comic books and spider man and all their bland colors." turns into, "I like the combination of red and blue because it reminds me of little kids' comic books, like spiderman. It brings back a lot of memories."
22. I really would be content to live alone the rest of my life.
23. I actually often wonder if I'll ever get married.
24. I swear in my head. A lot. Things you'd never imagine me saying.
25. I always think before I speak, and almost all of the time, I'll think, "No, I shouldn't say that." and I end up saying it anyway. I don't even realize it's coming out of my mouth.
26. I really enjoy talking about myself.
27. At the same time, I'm very interested in learning new things about other people.
28. I like listening in on other people's conversations. Listening to strangers talk about their life... It makes me realize that they're people too.
29. I wear a worry-stone necklace either when I'm incredibly depressed, or determined that that day will be a wonderful one.
30. I really do think that I'm a great singer.
31. But I have awful stagefright and only sing for myself, basically only when I'm alone at home. Those who I've sung to have only heard me at my half-best; my heart thumps so hard that I can't get reverberations right, and I just.. gfgh I get very stressed.
32. When a good friend disapproves of something I do or I believe, it hurts.
33. I think that blood is beautiful. I don't like pain, but I just love the way it bubbles up.. I secretly like getting cut for this reason.
34. I really hate it when people complain about doing work in classes. And don't try.
35. I also really hate it when people say, "Oh, I'm too lazy to do something like that." In that carefree, I don't give a damn voice. As if they're proud of being irresponsible and stupid.
36. I tap to my music. Sometimes as if I'm playing guitar hero or something, but it's usually as if I were playing clarinet. Yes. Clarinet.
37. Lately I've been feeling very strange at night. This sad, vacant, lonely feeling that makes me not want to fall asleep.
38. I can forgive and forget like it's nothing.
39. But I can never forgive myself.
40. So many times a day, I think of those times in the past where I haven't stood up for myself. I imagine the rant I could have used to defend against myself. I play through them in my head, and it makes me angry. I never will be like that again. I've promised myself. And I'm starting to be more open about what I believe in, which is good.
41. Right now I feel like I'm materialistic.
42. Kittens always cheer me up. Always.
43. I put eyemakeup on my right eye with my right hand, and on my left eye with my left hand. I also occasionally switch hands when brushing teeth. :D
44. I really don't know where I'd be without my close friends. Probably in a sewer or something.
45. I'm effing lazy and a procrastinator and it's one of the traits that I hate the most about myself.
46. I absolutely hate it when people criticize me. I'm okay if it's honestly something I need to fix, but if it's biased, like calling me rude for needing a ride home, then YOU'RE in the wrong. Because you honestly have no idea what's going on in my life, so you can not put me down like that. Sohma, manda, kan, you know this already.
47. A lot of the time, thoughts pop up my head, like "I'm never going to change. What's the point? There really is no chance for me."
48. The more I write, the more I discover about myself.
49. Am I malnourished or something? I skipped last month's period. Hrmm. That's not good.. I've noticed my period skips whenever I stop praying.
50. Stfu athiests, I can believe what I want.
51. Two of my closest friends are both athiest. They scare the hell out of me whenever I talk about religion. You two know who you are.
52. I absolutely love my eyes. They're quite possibly my favorite physical trait.
53. More than half of the thoughts I've written are depressing. what's wrong with me?
54. I used to get really inspired by drawings that were really badly drawn. They gave me the urge to draw them, so that I could draw them even better. @_@... Not anymore.
55. I imagine. A lot. I look down a road and I picture what I can't see, and i pretend that I'm in a different city, a different state, a different world. Most of the time it's when I'm on the bus. I pretend anything. I pretend I'm on an airplane. Or a fair ride. Or, I'll shut my eyes and think. Just think. And truly believe that soemething beautiful is going to appear in front of me. And I open my eyes, and it's gone.
56. I'm really afraid that my friends will read through this and read the really emo-sounding ones, and try to console me and make it all better, when I'm not actually sad. That's.. that's just the way my mind works sometimes. I have really horrible thoughts going on in my head all the time.
57. This one is hard to sum up, so I'll just give a scenario. Say I'm walking through a store. I check for cameras, and security things. I see small object and think they'd be easy for someone to steal. I think about how easy to do bad things are. But I would never, ever consider actually doing any of them.
58. Everything has a personality to me. Some of you may know this, but you don't know the extent to which it extends. I look at flowers, and instantly one seems mean, one seems interesting, etc. Just like that. I don't even have to think about it. Even letters and numbers have different personalities. They have since I was a kid; I can't really explain them to anyone else either.
59. Everything... but books. Not sure why.
60. I feel like everything is my fault all the time.
61. Yet, I still mentally accuse everyone of everything else.
62. I often wonder if all the cameras and mirrors in the world are distorted; so much so that I'm actually incredibly ugly to others.(but not when I look in the mirror.)
63. I think part of the reason I'm so smart is because I've been forced to think out of the box constantly when looking for lost objects.
64. Yes, I lose things very often.
65. Remember in elementary school when the teacher would make you explain something, and would say, "pretend you're explaining it to a third grader." or something? I still do that in my head. Every time I get a new concept or solve a problem I'll have to explain it in the most simplistic way possible.
66. Whenever I get a connection, like in a book, movie, whatever, I often worry that someone else won't get the connection. I get it, but what if someone else doesn't?
67. I hate all the religious violence and bias going on.
68. I have, like, 20 different "favorite" songs and I can't pick a favorite band.
69. My life really frustrates me.
70. But I feel really, really selfish when I complain about it because I know it could be a lot worse.
71. I tap little drum solos on my body. :D
72. As well as fingering along to guitar, or any other instrumental solo as if playing guitar hero, or a clarinet.
73. I hate money. It only brings trouble.
74. I click my teeth together to songs and it used to be to words.
75. I used to type out things as people said them. I still sometimes have to fight the urge.
76. I have to touch the home row bump on j and f, and then squeeze my index fingers to my palm.
77. What other OCD habits do I have? I just noticed that last one as I did it. I do, indeed, have to fix crooked things.
78. I wish I could have a whole garden, and a beautiful front yard and maybe my own tree. I wish I could, but I'm too damn lazy.
79. I kind of like people to feel sorry for me sometimes, but I really hate it when they feel absolutely terrible about my situation, whatever it is, because then I feel selfish.
80. I'm sitting here at 6:18 AM because I really need to finish at an even number before I finish getting ready.
81. When I'm really happy, I tend to dance a lot, like to my music or whatever. Everything just sounds better.
82. I feel really tired and worn down all the time and it's probably because of my diet.
83. I look really pretty in front of my bathroom mirror, but not so much anywhere else. I almost wish others could see what I see. Dx
84. I hate it when people think I'm materialistic either because I'm a girl, or because I care about my appearance. In a world that revolves around self-appearance, why does it matter?
85. furthermore, I make myself look good for myself.
86. I have a weird singing exercise I do that helps me do the uh.. reverberations right. Is that what they're called? The up-and-down opera vocal thingies. Anyway, I inhale, and then whoosh alllll the air from my lungs, and hold it for 25-30 seconds. I don't know why, but it really helps. Something my elementary music/choir teacher taught us. It apparently exercises your diaphragm.
87. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I don't recognize myself. It's very strange. I've changed so much.
88. I think that the right half of my face has a bunch of qualities.
89. Like, for example, my noselooks better from the left side of my face. it looks straight. Not from the right side, although I'm starting to accept my poor nose. *pats nose*
90. and I can never friggin pluck my right brow the same as my left brow. DX the left one is allways prettier. T_T
91. I'm such a procrastinator when it comes to drawing. I feel so bad for those who have requested things from me. ;_; ghhrfd
92. I think I smile more on the right than on the left. hahah, half smile?
93. I like listening to songs like Corneria from Melee because I can clearly pick out the instruments playing. Yes, I can tell that a clarinet plays in Corneria. :D
94. I had this 1 liter water bottle that I tied a little pink ribbon around and carried with me around school to drink from. The little pink ribbon gave it personality, and I actually had a little connection with it. I felt bad when I threw it away(because drinking from those waterbottles is bad after a while)
95. When a movie plays or I'm reading a book, I'm inside of it. I'm connecting with the characters. And I always feel a little sad at the end of the movie or book, because those characters are gone forever. I can't connect with them. It's like they died.
96. When someone's complaining about something, like how their mom won't let them buy such-and-such object. I look at them, and I think, I wish I had the extra fun money to buy two eyeliner sticks instead of one. I've had "looks like this christmas isn't going to be all that great" said to me for a very long time now.
97. As for that last one, I'm not complaining or asking for you to feel sorry for me. It just pisses me off when people don't appreciate what they have.
98. I don't bottle my emotions. I let them go. Angry? take a deep breath. Sad? analyze what's getting me down, deep breath, everything's okay.
99. I'm constantly trying to make myself into a better person.
100. I'm very quiet on car rides. They calm me. It's time to think for me. and everyone else is like, all awkward and I feel bad, but I don't know how to start a conversation.

Hoooray!
This whooole thing took me about 2 weeks to finish. Please please, do NOT think I'm asking for attention or anyone to feel sorry for me. Honestly, I just wanted to do this to let my friends get into my brain. And ignore the emu-sounding beginning of the note. lolol.

I feel like an artist.

I like this font. I think I'll stick with it.

anyway, let's go through my events of the day before I rant it out at my friends and forget it.
Since this week is state testing, freshmen get to come to school and do NOTHING the first half of the day. It's great. We watched a movie called "The ultimate gift", and then wrote down ten things we were grateful for. great movie.
I can't remember what I wrote on my list right now, but it put me in such a good mood. I'll recite it later when I get it back.

Anyway, the second half of the day was much less enjoyable. First, we ate lunch. Now, at my school, we have a funky lunch schedule. There are three lunches, and whichever lunch you get depends on your third period teacher. (Another thing: our schedule goes 1, 5, 2, 3, 4. what? chronological? who?) Since it's weird state testing schedule, all of the freshman had first lunch(along with a handful of other grades.)

So, my friends all sat at the same table plus some other kids. Including tanner and his girlfriend. Not that this bothered me. What bothers me is how damn annoying he's gotten. (For those who don't know, tanner is my ex. 8D)
I don't know what it is, but he's bothering me. Not irritating me like most annoying people do.. No, I just straight out do not like him. Plus, the way he acts with his girlfriend(awkward) reminds me of the way he used to act with me. (awkward.) And it's altogether reminding me of what an unpleasant relationship that was. ghrhgh. Whatever.

Speaking of, I've figured out just why I'm happy being single.
First of all, I was raised by my mother. I love my mom, but she's sliiiightly socially inept. Not to the point where it's noticable, but to the point where she had to teach herself to hug her own children. She was a single mom, and because of that, she was independent, which taught me to be independent.
The second reason is that my views on "love" are quite different from other girls. I really .. don't believe in true love. The perfect guy for me is someone I love and respect, whose views and personality are compatible with mine. Plus infatuation. So.. I generally look for compatible people whom I don't hate do death. So I might find someone really cool, who's really compatible with me(sorry for the overusage of that word), and I get to know them. Soon enough, they become really close friends with me. Best friends. And I'm happy that I have someone to talk to and share my thoughts with. It's like, all my best friends are my boyfriends. I .. really don't need kissy nonsense. I really don't.

IN OTHER NEWS.
My art got rlly cool awards, right?
Well, in math class we were volunteering to do these presentations for an architectural project we did, so I volunteered and our student teacher is like, "Kaitlin, you'll be second-- OH CONGRATULATIONS ON THE ARTWORK!"
The class is like, wha?
ST: "Kaitlin entered a drawing into the, uh.."
Maff: "Spring fair creative kids competition."
ST: "And she did a great job!"
Maff: "First place, best in category, and grand champ ribbons!"
and the whole class FREAKS out. 8D Everyone's liek whaa?! whats it look like?! flippin out and stuff, it was great.
So I promised them I'd bring it in on wednesday because I have to pick it up tuesday after school C:
Apparently my art teacher saw my awards and sent out emails to like, all my teachers ahaha 8D

Eight days until my haircut <3>

Busy busy!

Today was amazing.(lately all my days have been. @_@)

I woke up, and hadn't showered the night before because I was too tired, and I didn't even have to do anything to my hair @w@ it was perfeeect! didn't have to put on makeup, either, since it hadn't washed off the night before. Th.. that's a sign that my day was going to be good. right there.

So, we got to church, and this one was... I don't know. Especially good. I love going to church.. I don't know why josh doesn't like going.. @_@
Went to lunch with my aunt and grandmother, who had joined us at church, and talked to them about my AWARDS 8D and other stuff. That was fun; I always enjoy spending time with family.

So I went home, and cleaned. Yeah, kan. I cleaned. And I enjoyed it. I was GOING to clean, like, the whole house, but then an acquaintance of mine texted me and reminded me that I had homework and I had to do stuff for a group assignment orz" so I worked on that. On the bright side, I didn't forget until bedtime to do it, so. Hooray anti-procrastination. What would that be called?...

Synonyms:	adjourn, be dilatory, cool*, dally, dawdle, defer, drag, drag one's feet, give the run around, goldbrick, hang fire, hesitate, hold off, lag*, let slide, linger, loiter, pause, play a waiting game, play for time, poke*, postpone, prolong, protract, retard, shilly-shally*, stall, stay, suspend, tarry, temporize, wait
Antonyms:	accelerate, advance, complete, do, finish, go ahead, quicken

Hmm. Well, whatever.

As I was saying... I was working on mom's computer(not her laptop) with the printer, and I went away to clean a bit more. The screensaver on this computer is the one where it scrolls through all of your pictures.
So, I come back and see this rlly old picture of me. I was like lolwat?

I then decided to look through all of the old pictures on this computer. @__@ Holy hell. I have changed sooo much.

Okay, for those of you who don't know, in sixth grade I had super long hair, and then I chopped it off to around shoulder-length. Later that year, I dyed a blue streak into it. Basically, I was the most epic person you'd ever meet.
lolol.

Here are some of my old pictures: LOLOL WASNT I COOL 8DD

























I especially like this one -->
I was so cute! C:

The fair!

Mmm. Today C:

So, I drew this portrait of a friend, right? http://lemaffin.deviantart.com/art/the-vibrant-118998685
I entered it into the spring fair's art competition. Guess what?

1st place, best in category, and GRAND CHAMPION ribbons. 8DD I'm so happy C: Grats to Sohma on 2nd place! even though she's now christopher agustin and 7 years old orz"
(they switched her nametag with some other kid's)

A few friends and I are secretly plotting for soh's birthday. C: She knows this. And she's following me right now, so i can't give out details, rrrr.

On the subject of art(are we still on that subject?), I got into a joint art shop on gaia! I'm now selling commissions and Imma be FILTHY RICH <3 http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/art-shops-and-requests/t-e-a-p-a-r-t-y-f-o-r-s-i-x-open-new-artist-reserve/t.48847229_1/


In other news, society and humanity people in general are starting to frustrate me.
*gets back to drawing*